Behold: The Power of the Happy Baby T-Shirt

Last year I wrote a testimonial for Stephen Elliott in favor of the Happy Baby t-shirt he used to sell to promote his novel of that name. A few months ago I noticed my little homage had disappeared from his site. So, now that I’ve resurrected my blog, I decided to re-post my little essay here. As a special bonus for readers of this nascent and experimental journal, I’ve supplemented my testimonial with an addendum, which comes at the end.

So lean back in that winged-back chair of yours, the one that matches your favorite houndstooth jacket (with the elbow patches, you know the one), tamp some more tobacco down into your pipe, and enjoy the following ode to a mail-order t-shirt and a time that already seems lost, like a faded dream, half-remembered anyway and further washed away by rain and winter cold.

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Dear Readers of Stephen Elliott’s Blog:

A few months back, as the year 2005 drew to a close, two things became clear to me:

1. I needed to leave Seattle and move back across the country, to begin a new life in Washington, D.C.; and

2. I needed more cool shirts.

The first of these realizations held no great mystery. I was in a rut, Seattle had become lonely, and Washington, D.C. offered a good job that would put me closer to my brother and his family, who live in New York. Deciding to move was easy.

The second realization, however, was more personal and more troubling. The state of a person’s wardrobe, after all, says a lot about who he or she is. We construct our identities — our very selves — in part through the clothes we wear, and it was an undeniable fact that I was low on cool shirts.

It gave me pause.

And then there was the way these realizations came to me. The first presented itself naturally, as the logical next step in a normal unfolding of events, but the second snuck up on me. And it didn’t sneak up on me gently, like a playful friend might, but cruelly, which is to say slowly and without warning. When I finally saw it — first out of the corner of my eye, then more clearly as it came into view and presented every awful detail of itself to my awakening eyes — I felt the mixture of panic and remorse unique to horror victims. I was shocked into a new consciousness, not just by the terror of what I saw, but by the guilt that I had been responsible for the awful turn of events. The nightmare I was living was not only real, it had been my fault.

I didn’t have enough cool shirts. How could I have let this happen?

The good news is that once you decide to buy more cool shirts, once you make any good decision, really, the world opens up to you, like a time-lapse flower, offering itself the way beautiful women do to rock stars and Leonardo di Caprio. What I’m saying is: cool shirts are easy to find. You only have to keep your eyes open.

And while I may not be a San Francisco writer with a weekly poker game on the side that I write about for an on-line magazine, I am the next best thing: a guy who reads the blog of that person in his pajamas, on Sundays, over coffee.

And so it happened that about a week after I began my campaign to acquire more cool shirts, Stephen Elliott started selling Happy Baby t-shirts on his website. I had read the novel. I knew this was a good thing. I placed my order right away.

The Happy Baby T-shirt comes in a plain brown envelope addressed with a magic marker. This is no button-down oxford shirt vacuum-packed by slave labor in Guatemala. No, this is a cotton t thrown casually into whatever padded envelope happened to be lying around, the address dashed off in haste, because the addressor had to bike down to City Lights to autograph copies of his latest collection of sexual and political adventure stories.

Or so it seemed. Maybe Steve’s sister sends out the t-shirts. I don’t really know.

The real point is that the shirt looks and feels great, and every time I have worn it someone — usually someone dressed the way I would dress if I had a better sense of style — someone in one of those knit caps you’re seeing everywhere these days, for example, — that someone says, “Hey, nice shirt.”

Because here is the thing: When you wear a Happy Baby t-shirt, you are not merely promoting a work of literary art, you are taking part in a cultural movement. You are connecting yourself with something larger. You are saying, to those who have never heard of Stephen Elliott or his wonderful book, “Here is a line drawing of an open hand covering a young man’s face, with an intriguing and enigmatic Curtis Sittenfeld quote on the back.” Few things would be as sure to spark a stranger’s curiosity, to turn him or her into an inquisitive soul. And you are saying, to Elliott’s audience, something about the strength of your compassion for those society has put into its lowest categories and affixed with its most denigrating labels, something that puts you in solidarity with a more caring view of our troubled and divided world.

What more could anyone ask of a shirt?

As for me, the move to D.C. went well. I stopped off in San Francisco, where my friend Michael, who has an eye for these things, helped me pick out a really great shirt at a store in Hayes Valley. It has french cuffs and everything, and I found these cool cuff links to go with it, a pair of old, round manual typewriter keys set in stainless steel.

And of course I have the Happy Baby shirt. It may be on the opposite coast, but downtown D.C. has more in common with San Francisco than you would think. In places the light seems too intense, and the people too beautiful, and you expect to be interrupted by someone yelling “Cut!” — someone who dispels the hyper-reality with a single command so that everyone can relax and go back to being themselves. So far that hasn’t happened, it’s only been two straight days of hyper-reality. But I’m not too worried. I have my Happy Baby t-shirt. I am well-armed.

And then there is this: I arrived at my new apartment late after a long drive and went straight to bed. My possessions were lost in the unmarked boxes in the living room and there was no time to unpack, so the next morning I didn’t have a towel. What to do? Unpack every box, or go out and buy a new towel just so I could take a shower?

Then I saw the Happy Baby t-shirt on the floor where I had thrown it the night before, and the answer became obvious. Of course I would dry myself with it. It was exactly the kind of gritty, urban thing Steve Elliott himself would do. To be fair, in Elliott’s case the previous night’s romantic conquest would be stretched out across the bed in the next room, and Elliott would already be composing the story of the night’s adventures in his mind, but I worked with what I had. The t-shirt soaked up the water from my skin with an absorbency that was truly impressive.

I know the words “truly impressive” don’t call any transcendent images to mind and for that, dear reader, I am sorry, although when you think back on what I’ve just described, you’ll thank me for keeping the imagery to a minimum.

I’m just saying: This is one hell of a t-shirt.

ADDENDUM!

It’s almost one year later now, and Steve Elliott is still cranking out poker reports for McSweeney’s, but he doesn’t blog as much and the Sex Workers Art Show, the touring vehicle to promote his last book, seems to have ended. Its D.C. appearance was cancelled due to snow. I hope Steve has a new book in the works. I hope it’s good and makes him famous again.

I moved out of my tiny D.C. apartment and bought a place around the corner. I lost the cool Hayes Valley shirt when I moved and, when I checked to see if I could buy another, I learned that the store that sold them had gone out of business. At least I still have the typewriter key cuff links and the Happy Baby t-shirt. My friend Michael moved out of his shoebox apartment in South of Market to move in with his girlfriend. This winter they were house-sitting in Potrero Hill. A few months back he called to tell me they got engaged.

It’s still true that every time I wear the Happy Baby t-shirt it draws attention. People on the street crane their necks to see the image. Even the coolest drop their pretense of oblivious detachment and let their eyes glide over to me. Once in a crowded elevator a woman pointed to me and said, “I’ve had days like that.” Everyone laughed.

So the shirt still seems like something special, maybe already an artefact from a lost time, when I knew a writer with a book in stores everywhere, had just upended my life as way of starting over, and felt a little closer to San Francisco.

But I don’t know if you can still get the shirt, that’s what I’m saying. Before posting this I looked around on Steve’s site, and didn’t see an obvious link to it. A quick Google search, however, called up the page on which he used to sell them, and the buttons still work, so who knows? Maybe if you order one it will arrive in the mail. At worst you’ll be giving $20 to Stephen Elliott, in itself a good cause.